Things I cannot deny......

When this was suggested as a topic; I thought it was actually a little silly.....we are all such defensive creatures, if given the chance, we would all deny our worst character traits, behaviours and peccadilloes...but there's also an acceptance that comes with this; a deep understanding of who you are; and an inherent knowledge that you are accepting of you; no matter what.

I am reactive.....no matter how hard I try not be; I am simply the one who needs to attract a lot of attention to herself. I thrive on drama and tension. I am quick tempered and dramatic. This can wear on others easily. People can get very tired of me; or simply get tired by just being around me. I am self indulgent and often feel justified in reacting the way I do, when in reality, I don't. I am impatient of impatience. I am angered by stupidity. I feel the need to entertain everyone around me and be liked by others. Even by those I don't like.

I am a 34 year old woman who still at times feels 16 when in the presence of her father. I forget how to assert myself and begin to cry when I feel his anger rise or hear the tone condescension or disappointment. I am afraid to tell him how I angry I am at him for never really being there; for being so disconnected all the time. I feel like a child all over again when I see how being the child of alcoholics has made me into everything I am; the wife, the mother, the friend, the daughter and daughter in law. I am angry when I see what patterns I choose to keep because they are easier to justify than to change. I am disappointed that despite being angry, I don't change them. I hate that no matter what, I am powerless to these feelings.

I cannot deny my sheer joy for things that are cheesy, corny or cliche. That holding my child as she sleeps and listening to her breath is the most wonderful experience I have ever had.

I cannot deny God and his presence in my life. I cannot deny how becoming a part of a wonderful church family has filled my heart in a place I didn't know was empty. I cannot deny the feeling in my heart and soul that is filled by His presence. I am still afraid to talk, really talk to some people about it; for fear of being judged as "one of those!!!" I hate that loving God makes you seem insane and childish to others; especially my own partner. And at the same time; I hate when people I love just get His message so completely wrong.


I cannot deny my sadness in my own life. How much I miss my grandmother; my cousins and my family. How lonely I often feel. How embarrassed I am to admit that. How the tears are not helping the healing. How much I wish I would have had a big extended family to spend holidays with, who just stopped by for coffee once in a while. I cannot deny my wish for this.

I cannot deny that some days, I wish I had not fought so hard to make some things work so well.

I cannot deny my anxiety disorder any longer. Denying it for as long as I have has only given it more of a life force; a power over me that leaves me feeling broken.

I cannot deny that my daughter is the very best thing I have ever done. That being chosen to be her mother was the best gift I have ever received. That I worry constantly that I am screwing her up...

I cannot deny that I am haunted by some of the awful things I have done to my friends in the past who have been kind enough to really forgive me....I cannot deny that I have not been as good a friend as they have been to me; even though I desperately wanted to be.

I cannot deny that, I do what I do because I am still looking for answers, and I still haven't found what I am looking for.....