did I win the battle and lose the war or lose the battle and win the war...or did I just literally "truce?"

In some ways this was a really crappy week......

First, I lost the funding for my academic proposal.....

I had put a lot of work into that....and I know, I know, I knew that there was good chance that I wouldn't get it; but I had begun to feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, someone was as ready to invest in me as I was.....

The kicker was, I didn't even get told "no" by the person who had the authority to make or break it...she let someone else tell me if it was up to them, it would be a "no."  Nice.  Thanks for that.

Then a good friend cancelled plans on me at the last minute.  Again.  For the third time. 

Then, I found out more funding fell through and I have been bumped back to my old job.  Back to violent patients, medications, injections, code whites and bitchy doctors who think I am inconveniencing them by calling them for orders....yep.....

And for extra fun, I got told, to just have "radical acceptance" and "it is what it is," by my boss.....grrrrr.......

Then I found out this little "bump" could cost me about $10 000 in lost wages.....funny how this was the catalyst for my full on "kersnap attack."

So my friend that stood me up?  I let her have it.  I told her that it was selfish of her to dismiss me without thought.  I told her it hurt.  (And it did).  And because she really is an awesome person, just humanly flawed; she heard me, listened and apologized.  I think it was one of the first time I have ever told someone I am upset with them and had them just "make it right."  No arguing, no turning it into something it's not....just said she was sorry and attempted to make it right.....

pain.....

No way around it....pain sucks....a lot. 

There are pains you know in your heart you can deal with.  For those of you who have delivered a baby, or even had the pleasure of experiencing labor, then you know what I mean.  You know it's bad....the worst you have ever experienced, but you also know there is an end.  You know that painful experience will end....but what happens when you are unsure when the pain you are currently in will go away?  How do you tell people to "keep going," or "It'll get better," when you're not entirely sure you (or they) have the fortitude to keep grinding through?

A good portion of what I do is working with addicts.  Opiate addicts...people that were in so much pain that when something came along that helped; they jumped.  Or dove.  Or begged.  Now they are helpless against an addiction they CANNOT battle alone (no one in this world has enough "character" or "will" to stop opiates on their own once addicted) and we are taking away their only pain management that has ever worked; since the pain came along.  People use to reduce their pain.  That's it.  Yes, it's that simple.....some people carry around a lot of pain....

So what happens when the pain becomes apparent in every facet if your life?  When you sit?  Stand?  Lay down?  Get up?  Work? Sleep?  What happens when the pain becomes so unbearable that even cooking dinner for the family or holding down your job becomes too much to handle?  When taking your kid to the park seems like climbing Everest?

As I move deeper and deeper into my late thirties and can clearly see my forties shining in the close horizon, I am now beginning to realize that the next chapter of my life is going to be filled more of these challenges.  I don't heal as fast as I used to.  I don't recover from illness the way I once did.  Like an older car, I notice what happens to my physical body when it's not cared for the way it should.  It responds in kind to "bad" behavior with pain.  Migraines, heartburn, indigestion, menstrual pain, plantar fasciitis, hangovers, hemorrhoids, sinus pressure, ligament tears....just a list of ways my body decides to respond when I do little things like, indulge in too much wine with my girlfriends, not eat 5 lbs of kale per week, forget to stretch, catch a cold from my child, not get enough sleep, get too much sleep, reach for something about to fall or assist an elderly patient into bed. 

I don't know about you, but pain makes me cranky.  Like...super bitch on amphetamines cranky...no one can do anything right, say anything right, or act in the right way.  As I age, I am clearly seeing the link between chronic pain and depression....how could one NOT be depressed when they hurt all the time?  How can you even pretend to be happy when even the simplest movements cause such agony?

So what does one do when you admit you're in pain and no one responds in kind?  case in point...I have a 12 year old Labrador who has a rotten tooth....I call her vet...she says to me, "I can see her in a week from tomorrow..."  Ummm....have you ever had a toothache?  Wanna wait a week for treatment? 

I know I can be impatient with people who are in pain....after all, pain is subjective and difficult to really assess....someone people walk into an emergency room with huge chunks of metal in the sides of their head and torso and seem fine....others come in with back pain that drives them to threaten others if their demands for drugs aren't met.  Is one in more pain than the other?  Do some people feel more pain than others?  Do some people just "suck it up" while others are "just whiny?" How do we differentiate them? 

What if we just BELIEVED people when they said something hurt really bad?

What would it "hurt?"