I hate feeling this way.......

I hate feeling like the only way to initiate change is through negativity......

I hate feeling disrespected and disregarded by the very people I care for.

I hate feeling like my only purpose is to give everything I have away (my money, time, love, affection, diligence) to those who could care less I am giving it.

I hate feeling alone in my own home when I am clearly not alone.

I hate feeling minimized.

I hate feeling betrayed.

and I hate not being able to find the words to make those who need to hear really understand.

I hate that people would rather believe they are right then really hear what someone has to say....

I feel like my entire life is spent giving away all that I am.  I put my heart and soul into a career others mock and insult. I come home and cook and clean and take my kid to drama and arrange play dates and make beds and do laundry and make lunches and.....nobody cares.

did I win the battle and lose the war or lose the battle and win the war...or did I just literally "truce?"

In some ways this was a really crappy week......

First, I lost the funding for my academic proposal.....

I had put a lot of work into that....and I know, I know, I knew that there was good chance that I wouldn't get it; but I had begun to feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, someone was as ready to invest in me as I was.....

The kicker was, I didn't even get told "no" by the person who had the authority to make or break it...she let someone else tell me if it was up to them, it would be a "no."  Nice.  Thanks for that.

Then a good friend cancelled plans on me at the last minute.  Again.  For the third time. 

Then, I found out more funding fell through and I have been bumped back to my old job.  Back to violent patients, medications, injections, code whites and bitchy doctors who think I am inconveniencing them by calling them for orders....yep.....

And for extra fun, I got told, to just have "radical acceptance" and "it is what it is," by my boss.....grrrrr.......

Then I found out this little "bump" could cost me about $10 000 in lost wages.....funny how this was the catalyst for my full on "kersnap attack."

So my friend that stood me up?  I let her have it.  I told her that it was selfish of her to dismiss me without thought.  I told her it hurt.  (And it did).  And because she really is an awesome person, just humanly flawed; she heard me, listened and apologized.  I think it was one of the first time I have ever told someone I am upset with them and had them just "make it right."  No arguing, no turning it into something it's not....just said she was sorry and attempted to make it right.....

pain.....

No way around it....pain sucks....a lot. 

There are pains you know in your heart you can deal with.  For those of you who have delivered a baby, or even had the pleasure of experiencing labor, then you know what I mean.  You know it's bad....the worst you have ever experienced, but you also know there is an end.  You know that painful experience will end....but what happens when you are unsure when the pain you are currently in will go away?  How do you tell people to "keep going," or "It'll get better," when you're not entirely sure you (or they) have the fortitude to keep grinding through?

A good portion of what I do is working with addicts.  Opiate addicts...people that were in so much pain that when something came along that helped; they jumped.  Or dove.  Or begged.  Now they are helpless against an addiction they CANNOT battle alone (no one in this world has enough "character" or "will" to stop opiates on their own once addicted) and we are taking away their only pain management that has ever worked; since the pain came along.  People use to reduce their pain.  That's it.  Yes, it's that simple.....some people carry around a lot of pain....

So what happens when the pain becomes apparent in every facet if your life?  When you sit?  Stand?  Lay down?  Get up?  Work? Sleep?  What happens when the pain becomes so unbearable that even cooking dinner for the family or holding down your job becomes too much to handle?  When taking your kid to the park seems like climbing Everest?

As I move deeper and deeper into my late thirties and can clearly see my forties shining in the close horizon, I am now beginning to realize that the next chapter of my life is going to be filled more of these challenges.  I don't heal as fast as I used to.  I don't recover from illness the way I once did.  Like an older car, I notice what happens to my physical body when it's not cared for the way it should.  It responds in kind to "bad" behavior with pain.  Migraines, heartburn, indigestion, menstrual pain, plantar fasciitis, hangovers, hemorrhoids, sinus pressure, ligament tears....just a list of ways my body decides to respond when I do little things like, indulge in too much wine with my girlfriends, not eat 5 lbs of kale per week, forget to stretch, catch a cold from my child, not get enough sleep, get too much sleep, reach for something about to fall or assist an elderly patient into bed. 

I don't know about you, but pain makes me cranky.  Like...super bitch on amphetamines cranky...no one can do anything right, say anything right, or act in the right way.  As I age, I am clearly seeing the link between chronic pain and depression....how could one NOT be depressed when they hurt all the time?  How can you even pretend to be happy when even the simplest movements cause such agony?

So what does one do when you admit you're in pain and no one responds in kind?  case in point...I have a 12 year old Labrador who has a rotten tooth....I call her vet...she says to me, "I can see her in a week from tomorrow..."  Ummm....have you ever had a toothache?  Wanna wait a week for treatment? 

I know I can be impatient with people who are in pain....after all, pain is subjective and difficult to really assess....someone people walk into an emergency room with huge chunks of metal in the sides of their head and torso and seem fine....others come in with back pain that drives them to threaten others if their demands for drugs aren't met.  Is one in more pain than the other?  Do some people feel more pain than others?  Do some people just "suck it up" while others are "just whiny?" How do we differentiate them? 

What if we just BELIEVED people when they said something hurt really bad?

What would it "hurt?"

My story of stuff....

I find myself as of late trying to defend my postion of "NOT keeping up with the Jones''

In fact, over the past few weeks, i have found myself having to defend many of my positions....and being asked "why?' A lot.  And not by my six year old, who always asks why, but by adults who live adult lives and feel the need to ask me why i have made the choices i do.  "Why are you raising your child to be Christian when Paul is athesist?" (He's not...) "Why not move to a bigger city?"  "Why not take another vacation if you want to go away so badly?" (I don't.  well....that's a touch hasty....if someone handed me a weeks vacation where the ocean is warm and drinks are all included, I would be all over that). 

Now, that being said, I am hardly what anyone would call a "minimalist."  I have a galaxy s3 and I LOVE my phone.  Like a lot.  Like so much that when I forget it, I have been known to whine at least a few times about it.  I like my music, movies and girlfriends to be with me 24/7.  I like being in touch and connected.  That makes me happy.

I like my apple tv; I like my car, and my house.  I like my fridge filled with fresh fruit and vegetables.  I like my Keuig coffee maker.  So imagine my shock when people call me a Hippie.  Really???  A Hippie?  Because I eat real food and live in a house with a roof on it?  Wow...the hippie standards have really been allowed to slide....

What I don't like is living paycheque to paycheque....I don't like student loans, credit card debt and over inflated priced homes that spell destruction for every ard working person out there.  I don't like a lot of "stuff" just taking up valuable phsycial space in my home and life; and I hate when stuff is allowed to rule my world.  I hate not being able to find anything because I acquired too much stuff.  I hate having to explain this to people who have more stuff than anyone else they know; and still think you should go out and buy more stuff.  Then you need a bigger house to keep your stuff in. 

And i know what I didn't like....I didn't like it when the credit card people used to call demanding money.  I didn't like not knowing how we were going to afford food.  I know I didn't like the day we found out that my husband was being fired after 15 years and given six weeks severance.  That was for sure, a not in the "didn't like," catagory.

What I do like is not worrying about how i will alone make mortgage payments until my housband found work.  We lived in a home that cost 25% of what we were pre-approved to buy.  Why?  Not because I don't love big, beautiful houses, but because I didn't like the idea of not being able to afford to take care of us.  I didn't like the idea of having to take on a full and part time job to make up for the loss (I didn't!). I didn't like the concept that my vet could look at me and tell me that something was wrong with my dog and I couldn't afford to save her.  That I didn't like.

So why do i live below my means?  Because I never want to have to ask any of you people for money.  (Which by the way, is a good thing...all their money is tied up in stuff).  Why am I a Christian?  because it keeps me grounded as to who I am, who I want to become and where I can always find my answers.  Why don't I move to a bigger city?  Because I am happy here.  Why not go on another vacation?  Because i don't like debt; and vacations get taken when they are paid for, not before. 

Any further questions may be directed to my husband from now on......there ya go honey.....take point from here!!!!

Today is a hard day.....

Some days are far more emotional than others......

This is a hard day for me.  The kicker is, I am not enirely sure why....it began with me being angry that it was recycling day...cause that makes perfect sense.....

Then as I am driving to work, I begin crying because I miss my dad.....this is strange for me.  I usually miss my dad after he's left from being in town or I've recently been home to see him....but to miss him just because...for me; that is strange....

Then, I became quite irritable about our impending trip to Winnipeg....I began trying to come up with reasons so I wouldn't have to go....and I was the one who suggested it in the first place....I do recognize that travel is a source of stress for me (and it always has been) but driving to Winnipeg is hardly stressful travel.

Then I decided that Paul and I should cancel our date tonight...because we had to pack...blah blah blah....then we couldn't.  And now I find myself wanting to cancel dinner.....

What the hell is wrong with me? 

Today I just feel broken....

Is it over yet???

Proposal....

I wrote my first academic proposal this week.....I have been so afarid to do this; I am not sure why or what about it was so un-nerving that I never made the leap before...

I am asking for educational opportunity; when i started the process I decided I needed to try and get this for the sake of trying.  I told myself, "you'll never know unless you try," and considering that is the advice I offered to my dear friend last week, I figured I owed it to her to do the same....even if it was on a much smaller scale.....

Except I am worried now that I actually want to do it.....

Don't get me wrong, before I wrote the thing; I thought it would be awesome to go and do, but now that I have put in some effort, I really want it to happen.  I know logically, that they will reject my request, since they NEVER give money and esspecially NEVER to lowly peons like me who merely deliver the service they state they provide.

But I still really believe that I am in a position to make people's lives easier for them to live.  And I still want to do that....

How cliche is that?

Then my boss came in an didn't completely shit on it; which made me wonder if there is any chance for success.....

And the kicker?  One of my mentors will be town in that week; so if  I get this
opportunity, I will miss my chance to see him....

I'll keep you posted...

Stalemate

I hate stalemates......

I hate these moments in time....when you know something is going on but the other person is, for whatever reason, just not talking about it.  And no amount of gentle prodding, asking, expressing concerns, and finally, getting upset about is going to change a fucking thing.  You know those moments when someone says to you, "I'm fine, really....nothing's bothering me."  yeah.....sure....

Most of the time this is not a rope I would yank on....really...my life over the past year has been far to hectic and frustrating at times, that I really lived by the adage, "You don't want to tell me?  Fine.....then don't...." because in between a full time job, corporate obligations, parental responsibilities and wedding planning, there really wasn't much time for to just sit around and look for things to be wrong.  Maybe that's the problem....maybe they've been wrong for a while now and I've just gotten around to noticing....

But God forbid you tell me when I ask!

One of my oldest and dearest friends is about to take a huge leap and end a stalemate that has been a part of her life for more than 20 years....she is about to leap.  And leap big.  She is going to tell a man she has crushed on her whole life that this is how she feels and she wants more.  On one hand, I don't envy her.  On the other....butterflies are butterflies....

I don't have butterflies...I have a deep seething disturbance that something is wrong and no one is talking.  They are hiding behind, "I'm fine...."

I hate when your instincts tell you one thing and logic tells you another.....

stalemate....

So I cleaned out my bathroom last night.....

And by cleaning, I don't mean scrubbing sinks and toilets, I mean I cleaned out my bathroom.  I got rid of every excessive bottle of skin lotion, hand sanitizer, bottles of hairspray, body scrubs and that are taking up space in my bathroom.  And while doing this, I suddenly realized the hundreds of dollars I have spent on this crap....and that's what it is...crap.  Hundreds of dollars on bottles of stuff that take up space that I can't really use in my scent free job.  How stupid is that?

Some of it WAS gifts...but for the most part, it was stuff I bought when impulse shopping.   Or because I was shopping with someone who liked it.  I look in this bag filled with 20+ full bottles of assorted sprays, lotions and perfumes and think.....what a waste this is: what we all chose to do with out spare time.  Fill our homes with stuff we don't need, and spend money on it that should be used elsewhere....

So here is what I spent I spent $25.00 on this weekend...a winter festival with my family.  We went snow tubing.  We fired Muskets.  We pet farm animals.  We ate maple syrup on a stick.  We interacted with members of our community.  Paul and I introduced each other to people the other has not met.  We created a memory for our daughter.  Or, I could have went to the mall and bought a scent trio.....hmmmm.......

anxiety

I have an anxiety disorder.

There, I said it.  I get very agitated and nervous when anything deviates from my plans.  I also do not react well to changing my routines and habits.  When it gets particularily bad, I almost dissociate from people.  I feel my attachments to them slipping.  I can spend an enitre day disconnected from the people I am around....have conversations that i can't really recall, run errands without really remembering the route I drove, who I spoke to on the phone, or if I told Paul something, or just thought about telling him.  This can go on for weeks...until someone notices and makes me notice them; or confronts me on being cold and disconnected.  Which usually evokes a defensive mechanism to deny it; insist everything is fine, then be on guard until this passes.

I have wondered how many fights this has caused with my husband.  How many times my daughter has  demanded I notice her, only for her scold her for being rude.  I am the matriacrch of my home....and i check out...leaving them to fend for themselves while I wallow in the dark place I have allowed myself to go.  They get angry, and demand my return....and I refuse until I am damn good an ready to return to them.  I suddenly realized that they may not always be there when I return.  This is no way to treat the people I love more than anything in the world.  These are the people I would die for.  How can I just disconnect from them and convince myself I am entitled to do so?????  I can't......and i going going to try and never do this again.  I will fail, but sooner or later, I will get it right.