I am less than one month away from becoming Paul Foster's wife......

why tonight is this scary for me?

work.....

So I am actually at work right now, trying to complete odds and ends before my whirlwind trip to the great T.O., wondering how I am going to even make it though this day....

I am the nurse that will make you a cup of tea; listen to you rant, even when others have lost all patience with you and demand you be released for your behaviour.  I am the nurse that gives a damn what happens to you, who thinks about you at the end of her shift and develops care plans at home for you.  I am nurse who looks at new assessment opportunities, plans of care and new therapy modules to make you more empowered and able to handle crises.

I am also the nurse who gets told, "I told you so."  I get that a lot.  I get that from co-workers, from patients, from my boss.  And some days, it's just really hard to put "one foot in front of the other," so to speak, and do my job.  The problem, is, this will always be my job.  This will always be what I do. 

Some days....

Some days you should just get an automatic "do-over" for......

This was a tough day.....Paul and I fought today.  This normally would not upset me as much as it did today; but man, today was a day I just wanted to be good.  Avery was at a play date, the sun was shining, I got 8 hours of sleep....life should have been good.  We were going to buy my wedding ring today.....

Then, it's like it all went left of centre and began spiraling out of control......

Trying to get Paul out of the house on time is always a challenge, but today he seemed even more distracted.  We get into the car, boom!  No keys....then, he doesn't have his phone....so back in he goes...then the phone rings....I holler, out he comes and we pull out of the driveway.  Now we realize we only have about 45 minutes before Avery gets home.....this should be just enough time......then traffic is a bitch, there is construction, and the sun is blaring into our eyes so badly we are both squinting.

Then we get bitchy......

I say, "let's just go home."  He says, "No way, that's stupid...."

yep....

So we get to the mall.  On a Saturday.  Three Saturdays before Christmas.  Yeah....

We find parking, we get halfway through the mall when Paul announced to me, "you shouldn't have rushed me out the door.  Now I forgot my wallet."

And at this point; I am done.  How do you forget your wallet when we are going to buy a wedding ring?  Really???  REALLY??!!??  and here we go......

Let me tell you, that ride home was fun.....

Needless to day, I didn't get my wedding ring that day; and we squawked for another hour and a half.  We have long since dropped it, but this could not be the day I bought my ring.  Wasn't going to happen, despite Paul's attempts to make suggestions like we get someone to watch Avery after her playdate was over or bring her with us.  This just couldn't be the day I got my wedding ring.....

As Thine Wedding Doth Approach.....

Had a visit from an old friend last week, who very casually reminded me, that I have become EXTREMELY lax in my blogging.....this is true; like many things in my life, I have not been partaking of the things that usually work to ground me as opposed to contributing to the giant stressball that I am......

Not to say that being a stressball is all that hard for me; let's be honest, most people believe that "complete stressball" is my emotional equilibrium.  But just because I choose to set up shop there, doesn't mean that I actually enjoy it.  Life just has a habit of laying it's unique challenges on us all at the same time.  While that does sound very passive, as tho I am not fully taking control of life; this isn't what I mean.  I don't mean that I am simply allowing myself to not take responsibility for the number of dramatic events that are occurring; I am simply trying to recognize that, one; not only are these issues beyond my ability to predict, two; it is also impossible to predict WHEN they will occur.  It's just Murphy's Law that they all happen at the same time.

I really didn't plan for an unemployed partner, a wedding, a sick uncle, career upheavals, and family drama all to occur in the past six months.  Every little thing out of place or not working as planned has me at times, yelling, crying, and snapping.  I know my family is not happy when I am like this; I know I am not happy like this, so I see the need to rekindle my passions and  work though my crises..."the only way out is through....." so to speak...

I have chosen the wedding this evening to bitch, er, I mean..."talk" through.  I now know why people elope....it really is impossible to make everyone happy (even I know that!), so why in the name of all that is joyful WHY complain to the bride?  Why ask questions like, "What will you do if the photographs are bad?"  I dunno dumbass, get divorced and try again?  Is that the answer you're looking for?  Or my personal favorite from those coming to the wedding (who obviously feel that this trip is overpriced) is to send me emails and text messages that they saw a package online WAY cheaper...so what can "I" do about it?  Um...nothing.....I am the bride and a nurse by trade...not a travel agent with the secret ins and outs of vacation packages. 

I love Paul, and I really cannot wait to marry him....but I would really love to tell anyone with a beef to just STAY HOME. 

But the dress is bought, photographer is booked, birth certificates and passports are in cue, violins are tuned, and as of October 20, 2012; will be fully paid for.  sigh......I already told Paul that we HAVE to go through with it now.  And is he chickens out, I expect an upgraded substitute, cause I have gone through too much for it not to happen.  I think he only thought I was kinda kidding...... 

family drama...

I am not someone who is used to a lot of extended family drama.  First off, I am an only child, therefore, fights with siblings simply did not occur; and I never had to either rat someone out or hide a bad deed from my parents that a sibling would have created.  I also grew up at least 200 km from other family members, such as grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, so I would only see certain family members once every few years or so.  Finally, being the child of alcoholics leads to LOTS of family secrets, and a sense of isolation from others.

Since my grandmother's passing a few years ago; my cousins and I made a vow to be more connected to one another.  Most of the time, I have loved this; it has given me something to ground to; to give Avery a sense of connection to people beyond her immediate family.  However, it has also come with the family drama.

Why is it in families all adults suddenly lose the ability to self advocate?  Over the last few months, I have heard a range of statements from family members such as "My parents are hurt by you," or, "she had no right to do that," followed by "Do you know what she did to Aunt Joan?" and my personal favorite, "Who does she think she is?"  ugh.....

Most of my blood relatives are female.  I have one blood male cousin and one blood male uncle.  The rest...all women.  And most of them live within a 15 minute drive of one another.  (I by far, moved the farthest)  But I swear, the distance is irrelevant; these women will peck at something until it bleeds....then blame you for not noticing the pecking.....

Like I said, when it comes to family drama and navigation; I often lack the ability, the knowledge and experience to deal with these situations effectively.  I am not entirely sure if the same rules apply to family that they do to others.  Common sense would say yes; but I truly am unaware of the loop holes that occur in the fabric of the family quilt. 

I think the only thing I can do is apply the same rules of my life to my family. 

#1 If it does not concern you directly, keep you trap shut!

#2 If someone asks for your opinion, give it to them and them only. 

#3 Do not speak for other people.  Unless you have been given legal authority to make another's decisions, their decisions and disclosure are not yours.  They are theirs.  Let them have them.  Your need to clear the air is not as important as the other's person's need to not feel blindsided.

#4 Call people and ask them if they have a problem DIRECTLY.  This eliminates gossip and, if they figure out quickly that you will not tolerate this behaviour, you will likely be left out of future family dramas.

I am open to direction on #5 and beyond......

I am in an odd place....

Not even sure what is really wrong; in fact, nothing is wrong with me; I am gravy.....at least I think I'm gravy....

My wedding is falling nicely into place, my kid is behaving better in school, if only Paul was working....but still; life is pretty good at the moment...

So why do I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop? 

Why am I so apprehensive about this whole wedding fiasco???

Most women will mopenly admit to spending hours and hours dreaming about their wedding and what it will look like. They have already mentally picked the flowers, the song, the colours, the chaircovers, the location.....the truth is, the whole thing makes me very uneasy....

Now I know some out there will think that this is perhaps my inner voice telling me not to marry this person. Ironically, he is the one thing I am sure about. I know I will spend my life with him (and while I recognize that this sounds overly confident, we have just celebrated out 13 year anniversary, so it is safe to assume since we have not left yet, the commitment is pretty solid.) It is the compulsion to make sure everyone is happy, which I know, is completely ridiculous. Knowing that things are going to go wrong, that my parents are going to anny me, that his parents are going to frustrate me, that my best friend's marriage is so rocky that this may cause turmoil, that the cost is more than expected, etc etc......I am not sure how this happened, this was supposed to be less stressful.....

I have been reassured that this is the worst of it; that after the resort id picked and booked it will get easier....not sure I believe that......

One more monkey wrench and we are eloping......just an FYI......

The truth is, I am terrified to hear the bitching, the moaning, the whining that will ensue. Somehow, if the rooms are not perfect, if the beach isn't nice, if the food sucks, if it rains, it will somehow be MY fault. I know that this is ridiculous, but I will be the one to hear about it. I will try my very best to set up boundaries, but I just know that someone will manage to step over them and piss me off beyond recognition. I should actually start a pool and take bets on who it will be......

I wonder if I will ever begin to get excited..........

on hiatus....

It has been a while.....that usually means things in life are going well and i feel no particular urge to vent about all the things wring in my life, or they are bad; and I have been spending a lot of time putting out fires, so to speak.....

Well, nothing like an engagement to bring out the best and worst in people....people who think they can help (they can't) people who think they know what they are talking about (they don't), people who think you are selfish for wanting to go away and get married as opposed to spending thousands of dollars to entertain friends family (And we're selfish??), people who think that taking your child to Caribbean island is equivalent to taking to Central Congo......geesh...I suppose I could go on.

So right now; we are tentatively getting married in Cuba......Jan 2013. Sometime between the 7th and the 15th....let me know if you would like to join us......