The Last Lecture

Just when I think that I am in a dark place no one else could understand; I think of Randy Pausch; the professor from Carnagie Mellon University who passed away in 2008 from pancreatic cancer, leaving behind a wife and three small children. Children who will never have had the opportunities to really get to know him. His book The Last Lecture was a testament for them and a chance for him to tell his life story and childhood dreams.....his close friend developed a "study guide" for educators to enhance the reflections and understanding of the book and our own place of reflection. I think they are improant questions we must all answer about ourselves....

He asks the following:

1. Why has this lecture/book struck a chord with so many people?
2. Where is the speaker/author “coming from”?
3. What are my childhood dreams? How might I achieve them?
4. What were the dreams my parents had and how did they fulfill them?
5. Who are mentors I can turn to? What lessons have they taught me?
6. And what wisdom would I choose to impart to the world if it was my last chance?
7. What are the lessons of my own life?


1. I think so many people fell in love with this book simply because we are drawn to other people's inner strength and courage. The mere thought of not being around to see Avery grow up sends fear up my spine and nausea through me. To face it, embrace it and share it with others is remarkable. Of course, this could be the opposite effect; looking for the emotions of a dying man (kind of like slowing down to see the car wreck) but I am choosing to be more optimistic than that. I think human beings are drawn to "bright lights" and this one is a pretty bright light. Coming to terms with one's one immediate mortality is incredibly brave; most of us cannot even comprehend out own eventual mortality. I think we admire this amn, not only because he accepts this with such grace and dignity, but because he could also be our friend, collegue, brother or partner. Imagine having the ability to accept losing everything and everyone as you know it; and having them have to deal with the loss of you. That takes a kind of bravery few can truly appreciate.

2. Randy is coming from a place of acceptance; almost a "this is the best I can do with what I have," place. That is a hard place. I know I would want more than that. I would not to be content with a speech at the university and the admiration of my courage. I would not be okay with my child only having pictures and a video of my last lecture. I want every waking minute until I am an old lady with her. I know this makes me selfish, and in no way am I more deserving of this than any other parent who loves their child. To have to accept that this is not a possibility is heartbreaking.

sigh...will have to return to this later.....

more errors....

Okay...that whole focusing on the awesome things in my life thing I was talking about? Yeah; that was a huge crockpot of bullshit....I actually made myself a little nauseated just reading that crap. Here's the problem with focusing in on the awesomeness of my life....it's not constant. Sometimes my kid is a brat and my husband's a jerk; sometimes my dog gets into the garbage and the cat pees on my sweater. Sometimes my job sucks and I hate it. The constants I depend on to be awesome....just ain't so all the time. Kinda makes that baggage in the back of the closet that much nastier.

I have had a revelation as to why my little world was made so topsy turvy by one individual and their thoughtless comments. THEY yanked by baggage out into the light; not me. I had been doing a fairly good job of "cleaning house," per se; on working out some old issues and making some positive changes. I hadn't gotten that baggage yet; I was working on it, but it wasn't next on my "to do" list. Now I see how little territory I have actually covered in my quest for emotional wellness, and it really sucks. There is extra-suckiness attached because it has actually set me back. Crap. What kinda shit is that? One thoughtless statement by someone has destroyed a decent amount of hard work I have completed.

So now what? Kick dirt I suppose, and move on. But I am really struggling with the moving on part right now. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel there are two really important people I can't talk to; one because I am too angry and the other because it will hurt them beyond recognition. So I am forced to lie to them both and tell them I am fine; and everything is okay. And it's not okay. It sucks. And I hate it.

The opposite of love is not hate; it indifference. I don't think until this week I actually understood that statement before. It was logical; both love and hate are passionate, all-encompassing emotions that consume you. They stop you from eating, sleeping, noticing it's raining outside and that you haven't paid you phone bill in three months. Indifference is nothing; not caring; it's not missing not caring. It's willing to throw away years of memories to let go of things that are too painful to want anymore. It's letting go. It sucks, and I hate it too. (Can you hate indifference, or does that denote hatred and not indifference?)

I know this much; I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like a rag that has been dragged across the proverbial kitchen floor. I hate that no one else can actually get all this but me. I hate that so much of my time is being dedicated to these thoughts that I feel completely out of control over. I hate feeling lost.

New mantra??? "Be the change you wish to see." Why? Cause I am fresh out of new ideas right now......

the errors of our ways....

They say that you are not really an adult until you finally see your parents as flawed....once you see the mistakes they have made and continue to make, you see them as regular people and have crossed some imaginary into adulthood....

Remind me to hit the person who said this right upside the fucking head with a brick....

The only problem with finally making this observation is having to deal with the fallout from it. The reasons and rationale for your own flaws and mistakes; and having to hold up that proverbial mirror in front of yourself and go...oh yeah....I do that too....and it's so very bad of me. You are then faced with the task of changing those messed up patterns of behaviour and letting go of a lot of shit.

My problem is, I have no problem stuffing my baggage into the back of the closet for extended periods of time; making me look, on the surface, fairly normal. However, like my actual closet, eventually you need something at the back of it, and you must yank that luggage to the front...and by then, it's really gotten nasty. And now I really don't want to deal with it.

So now what? I guess I focus on the awesomeness in my life....my amazing partner, incredible kid and great friends....in the end, does it not all come down to that anyways????