As I approach my 35th birthday; I am met with very conflicting emotions. Part of me is VERY unhappy with this particular number; after all, we are a society that does tend to measure a woman's worth on her youth and beauty; and part of me is beginning to enjoy the concept of being a "woman." I always had an image in my head of what 35 year old women look like; and this morning when i looked int he mirror when i got up; I realized I was one. The lines around my eyes actually make me happy; it means I been spending a lot of my time smiling. I am taken more seriously by superiors; my life/work experience is more and more evident. I no longer feel the need to justify why I made a bad call; and in fact, I seem to make less and less of them.

But at the same time, there are a few concepts I am struggling with. My baby making years are quickly coming to an end....I am aware that I have a few years left; but I waited a long time for one that I have and having that chance taken from me feels far too short. Most people haven't waited until their 30's to procreate, and I am sure that's why I feel like I have been shortchanged in a way. I have friends with three and four children, before 30; so I suppose it's all relative.

I have always been the "young," one. I was always the last to get to do everything; to drive, to vote, to drink, etc; because of my late birthday. Even when i started nursing; I was significantly younger than 90% of the staff. Now I am a "senior" nurse; with staff up to 14 years younger than me....when you could have potentially given birth to some of your co-workers....well, let's just say that's a whole new ballgame for me.

I also had a childhood friend commit suicide last month. We had not been close since we were kids; but the thought that he'll never have another birthday or share those moments again has me thrown for a loop too. 30 years ago we met and I remember EVERYTHING about that day. I remember the bunk beds in his room; I remember the kidney shaped pool in his backyard; sleep overs with him and his sister. Even a few trips to Canada's Wonderland. It's weird to think of someday never having another birthday.

how morbid am I???