pure happiness....

I have an important question to ask....is there anything better on this planet than Julia Child's chocolate mousse? As I was preparing it, my knees were already beginning to buckle when I dipped my finger into the batter and taste tested the magic....what heaven!!!

This evening's menu will include lamb chops in a mustard garlic marinade; broccoli with a fresh hollandaise sauce; and baby roasted potatoes....mmmm....and before you ask; yes, I did watch Julie and Julia the other night; and yes, it did inspire....however, that being said, it is NOT the easiest cookbook to read despite its claims, but the results are truly amazing.....

So tonight we will indulge in some incredibly wonderful (and very fattening!!!) selections from Mastering the Art of French Cooking...

and just to torture you...here is a pic of the mousse....

anxiety

So here's thing....I am having 30 women over to my house tomorrow....

I am hosting my friend Shanna's shower; so everyone (and their kids!) are coming to celebrate the birth of her daughter, Maci Lynn. Most of these women I work with, so having them over is not a huge deal, but I have to admit, I am not great with company..we are also still renovating our house, and it's certainly not the prettiest house, by any stretch of the means. Again, this should be a concern, but my anxiety is lying with some of the physicians who are coming to my house; who have money, beautiful homes and more than I do.

Yes, I know this shallow, and silly of me, but I can't help feeling very anxious about these people seeing my inner sanctum....why? Simple...fear of being judged...

I have always been pretty self-assured and confident, but for some reason, this is bothering me now. Not sure why...just is. And the irony is, I brought this on myself. I am the one who invited these people, thinking int he back of my mind that they wouldn't come...that'll teach me.....

depression....

I have spent a lot of time working the field of mental health now, going on 10 years. Much to the dismay of my mother, who still says to me, "When are you going to be a REAL nurse?" I really love what I do (on most days). Some behaviours are so fascinating. Nothing like a manic person, talking a million miles an hour; flirting with my male co-workers, clicking down the hallways in six inch stilletos, thinking she is at a health spa, instead of a psychiatric in-pt unit. Or the homeless man who was psychotic and thought my girlfriend was his long lost lover, "CC Rider." Or 100 pound girls who have been hopped up on cocaine for three days and are still spinning around my unit with tons of left over adrenaline. Some days it's very amusing. Some days it's not.

I work with a lot of really depressed people. And I don't mean sad; I mean depressed. That have nothing left. Their families are emotionally bankrupt from dealing with them for so long. They can't work; and now they have no income. They are in bad relationships because decent people won't even go near someone who needs this much support. They are addicted; alone; and often, no one cares whther they were dead or not. So how do you tell someone like this that there is hope? And in reality, often the odds are stacked against them.

So they come to us....and what happens? It's pretty much common knowledge that nurses are overworked and underpaid; and unless you are gushing blood, screaming at the top of your lungs, or physically impaired in some way; there will be days when no one notices you...sitting in your room, willing yourself to stop living. And for extra fun, you may share a room with a seventeen year old girl who thinks cutting herself up like a roast on Sunday dinner is a "coping stregy," and her gothic friends see this as a sign of "inner beauty." There are days I say to myself, "I can't handle this shit..." How does the sucidal person feel?

I have met some amazing people in this field who have had to walk away, beacuse of how this had affected them in one way or another. And these are high functioning, intelligent, caring people. There are a lot of reasons for this; but I think a huge factor is the lack of respect for what we do. Most people don't understand mental illness) depite the fact that every single person out there knows someone with a mental illness or an addiction), and we are also looked down on by "real nurses" (grrrr) who think that unless you work in an ICU or medical unit, you are not really nursing. It is very easy to get dismayed.

Women.....

Okay...I have to admit...I love working with women...without jumping on the whole "I am woman, here me roar" soapbox, it really is enjoyable.

Not to say that the few men I do work with aren't great (hey, I'm a nurse, and there just aren't as many male nurses as there are female), but women just seem to get each other in a way that is different. At one point today...I was left spinning my wheels, trying to solve a million stupid little problems, when one of the psychiatrists I work with (who yes, is a woman) looked up at me from her office and said, "Kim, are you okay? Can I help with something?" Now at the moment, I didn't recognize how meaningful that was. When I first started on that unit; the docs were almost all male, and I spent most of my time spinning my wheels and trying to accomplish everything. Not once, did any of them ever notice that I was overwhelmed, and if they did, they sure didn't bother to ask if they could help. She got my stress level, and just wanted to let me know that she got me at that moment. And that was cool. Just a brief snippet in time, where someone else made the effort. In my experience, men just aren't as good at that as we are. We see it in one another. And we get it. It's just that simple.

That being said, it's not like I don't fantasize about winning the lottery and quitting my job....hell...somedays I think I don't even need a lottery winning. But it's very rare (I actually would like to use the word "never" here) that it's because of the women I work with. Sure, we fight, squabble, bitch and moan on occasion, but no grudge is ever held. It can't. We are sad when a coworker leaves to try something new or move onto "greener pastures." We cry at one another's successes. And because we are nurses, no illness, body part or emotion is too embarrassing to talk about. How cool is that?

And the icing on the cake? We notice one another amazing new eyeshadow shade. We drool over someones amazing new shoes. We giggle @ work...we play jokes one one another....I spent half my day saying "vacuum" to coworkers who found this hilarious. (If you don't get it, whisper it to yourself in a mirror and see what it looks like!) We threatened to "pants" my boss who was wearing pair of jeans that are now way too big for her, who also found this funny. And we actually managed to get a lot of work done too. Good day at work....

Now to get this kid to pee on the potty....oh hey...they had some great advice for that too!!!!

mood swings....

Why is it when you've had a bad day (or days) that every little thing seems so much bigger than it is?

Okay...potty training...in a word, it sucks. For me and my kid at least. Let's just say we are in a battle; and right now; she is so winning....the only way I can get this kid to not pee all over the floor is to literallyy, sit beside her 10 hours a day...while this may not sound so horrible; the very second I decide to get a glass of juice, or check the mail; or answer the phone....BAM! My kid is peeing on the floor. And now, because I am changing her ways of doing things; she is completely retailiating on me; acting in ways I have never seen her act. Throwing things; screaming at me, making demands....I am starting to realize why some people spank their kids....I had to walk away for a second actually contain myself before I lost my mind...at which point...she peed on the floor...

Needless to say when my husband walked in the door; I was so relieved, I almost peed on the floor! Yay! I can now catch my breath...walk away for a few minutes and let someone else being the evil one for a while....you can guess by my sarcasm exactly how well this turned out...within minutes, my name was being screamed; for help with tasks so simple that small rodents would be able to complete without assistance. I actually stated to the two of them; "do not call my name unless you are on fire." Apparently my family catches on fire A LOT.

All the little things that normally don't bother me are making me nasty, crazy and uber-bitch. I came from a girlfriend's house (I had to escape for fear that I may actually throttle them both!)to discover that she had now peed on a chair, the dishes weren't done and the vaccum was in the middle of the kitchen floor. Again, nothing here that is major, but just enough to drive me back up to nutty all over again....I am actually wishing for the "insane stamp" that Homer Simpson had on his hand...at least then no one would blame me for a brief episode of psychosis.

Diapers are our friend speople...this whole thing is just stupid....

food....

Okay...food is my passion...so is nursing...and my kid...and good wine...and...well...you get my point. I have a lot of passions...but tonight the focus is food. Just bought the kitchen aid ice cream maker attachment...and Oh my God....what an amazing luxury. I can just feel my fat cells expanding on my thighs as I write this. I have come to some conclusions about people and their obsessions with food. It is such a love/hate relationship for most people, and I have decided that their should be some rules about food so we can actually get back to a place where we actually get to enjoy what we eat....

1. Unless you have Celiac's disease or some other rare food disorder; chances are you are NOT allergic to gluten; nor do you have some sort of intolerance to it. You are jumping on the gluten free diet some reason you are likely unsure of yourself; but I will take a shot in the dark that you know someone who has jumped on this bandwagon and is now saying they've lost weight, can now poop, or sleep 8 hours at time. Odds are, their gluten-free diet has nothing to do with this; but more to do with the increased amounts of real, unprocessed foods they are now eating...or it's a somatic disorder. Either way, stop whining and eat some wheat people!

2. People who go out for dinner or are invited somewhere for dinner and pick at their food are obnoxious...there, I said it. Nothing pisses a wannabe-chef or host off more than that person who is already so thin they look like they may faint dead away; who just pushes food around their plate, then says, "It's awfully rich," or "I really have to watch my weight/my gluten intake/or points on from weight watchers." Shut up. Next time, don't come. It's not chic, or sexy, or trendy. It's annoying. Stop it.

3. If you don't cook; do NOT offer advice to people who do. Now I need to clarify this one. If you make the best tomato sauce this side of Italy, but it's the only thing you make, you may offer advice on the tomato sauce, and that's it. Do not say to someone who has just spent hours cooking, "you know what this needs?" Yeah, for you to shut up and get your ass in a kitchen and cook for me sometime honey! (The exception to this rule is the answer of "a nice cab sav I brought to thank you!" Any response other than this is insulting; no matter what you think).

4. Tell people ahead of time if you are a vegetarian; kosher or some other variant so your chef isn't first, incredibly disappointed you will not be partaking of the ribs thy just spent 10 hours preparing; then pissed off that there is $40.00 worth of food going down the crapper. I have actually gone months of my life on a vegetarian diet, and weeks on a vegan one. (While these were were not diets I could personally sustain; most food people actually DO get why you choose to eat this way). Most wannabe chefs have a few vegetarian dishes in their repertoire they would be eager to prepare....we just hate seeing you eat the carrots, and picking meatballs out of that beautiful sauce. Speak up! And if you feel too awkward to do so, suck it up and remember that next time, it is your own responsibility to say something.

5. Stop bitching about the price of "real food." Odds are, you have easily spent $25.00 on crap food this month, either in the form of coffee, a vending machine or some nasty take out that tasted like poo. (I could break out the stats and research here, but it's my blog, just assume I'm right). $25.00 could have easily gotten you milk, eggs, some salad fixings and a decent cut of meat. Besides, by the time sit around whining about how tired you are, call the pizza guy, wait 45 minutes, pay & tip the delivery guy, you could have made a quick pasta dish and done the dishes...you may even burn a calorie or two by actually physically cooking and doing the dishes. Think before you speak people.

6. Finally do not quote that stupid book "Skinny Bitch," to me, or anyone else who actually dares to eat meat, drink milk and fry an egg. And before you ask, yes, I have read it; and yes, I do think much of their research is disputable. I also do agree that most factory farming practices are disgusting and inhumane. However, if you can find the time to drag your ass out of bed on a any given weekend in most of North America, you can take it to a farmer's market and GASP! actually meet real farmers who raise and grow real food, and would be happy to show you their farm if you would like to see it. These people are not all hippie-tree-hugging freaks who walk around quoting John Lennon (there will likely be one or two tho!); they are actual hard working people who make their livelihood my treating their crops and animals with dignity and respect.

and before you jump on me here...I would like to make the following statements:

I have read every single book of Michael Pollan's and think he is brilliant.

I have read and own Fast Food nation; and yes; it is disturbing

I have seen Super Size Me, Food Inc., The Cove and many other documentaries around food; and it is very icky.

I am a meat eating member of PETA (until they see this & revoke my membership)!

I am a member of Slow Food Superior; and yes, it IS inprtant

And most of the time, yes, my 3 year old DOES eat what I put in front of her; including tonight poached salmon.