Changes...

This has been a wild time in my life...lots of changes. Fist we bought a new house and will be moving for the first time in about 10 years...next; I quit smoking; after 20 years....it has been six weeks and I continue to miss cigarettes the way an opiate addict misses heroin; but I am beginning to better than I have felt in a long tine. I am flying nicotine replacment free and happy to say that I no longer cough and wheeze a lot of the time and it is really nice to out at a party and not be standing alone out on a deck, smoking.

I also started running. Badly, I must admit, more of run/walk combination; partly for my health; partly to avoid the nightmare my house is becoming as we pack and shift belongings about. It is also a nice timeout from a whiney 3 year old and an on-edge partner who is feeling these changes as much as I am but will not admit it. I was tempted to join a gym (yet again) but decided that trendy gyms have gotten more than enough money out of me over the years; and let's face it; so many of them are pick-up joints that make bars look tame. Everyone's running around, pushing themselves harder, lifting heavier weights than they should, wearing designer shoes and work out clothes, hoping to impress someone; without even knowing who they really are. Since I am not in that game, (and even if I was single, wouldn't be in that game) the concept of joining that seems kinda dumb.

Some of the changes are not so good. A major one is, I can't sleep. Well, correction, I can fall asleep, but I cannot stay asleep. The last few nights there has been some improvement, but I am only getting about 4-5 hours on a good night. This leads to longs days then frustrating evenings at work, where the clock seems to move even slower than it should, and no end to my life pattern in sight. At first, I was blaming Paul with his snoring, then Avery, with the change from crib to big-girl bed, but I have come to realize that even in a perfectly quiet home; my eyes pop open and there I am at 3:00am, staring at the clock.


I have also become really intolerant to character traits in others I used to find amusing. I will give an example here. The other day one friend made a very flippant comment about what they will and won't allow their children to do WHEN they have them. Now, this person had no idea how offensive I found this (and to be fair, I don't know why I found this so offensive)but I actually had to force myself to sit in the chair and not smack this person for their arrogance. Others saw how upset I was and likely did not understand my frustration, and encouraged me to just let this go. Which is likely the best solution. But my reactions got me thinking. It's the character traits I am finding especially irking; the narcissism, the arrogance, the drama and the demands to be the centre of attention. I think I am seeing some my own worst raits thrown up in my face and it's more than just a little painful.

So I keep going back to my adpoted mantra..."Be the change you wish to see...." we'll see how well that works...