more errors....

Okay...that whole focusing on the awesome things in my life thing I was talking about? Yeah; that was a huge crockpot of bullshit....I actually made myself a little nauseated just reading that crap. Here's the problem with focusing in on the awesomeness of my life....it's not constant. Sometimes my kid is a brat and my husband's a jerk; sometimes my dog gets into the garbage and the cat pees on my sweater. Sometimes my job sucks and I hate it. The constants I depend on to be awesome....just ain't so all the time. Kinda makes that baggage in the back of the closet that much nastier.

I have had a revelation as to why my little world was made so topsy turvy by one individual and their thoughtless comments. THEY yanked by baggage out into the light; not me. I had been doing a fairly good job of "cleaning house," per se; on working out some old issues and making some positive changes. I hadn't gotten that baggage yet; I was working on it, but it wasn't next on my "to do" list. Now I see how little territory I have actually covered in my quest for emotional wellness, and it really sucks. There is extra-suckiness attached because it has actually set me back. Crap. What kinda shit is that? One thoughtless statement by someone has destroyed a decent amount of hard work I have completed.

So now what? Kick dirt I suppose, and move on. But I am really struggling with the moving on part right now. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel there are two really important people I can't talk to; one because I am too angry and the other because it will hurt them beyond recognition. So I am forced to lie to them both and tell them I am fine; and everything is okay. And it's not okay. It sucks. And I hate it.

The opposite of love is not hate; it indifference. I don't think until this week I actually understood that statement before. It was logical; both love and hate are passionate, all-encompassing emotions that consume you. They stop you from eating, sleeping, noticing it's raining outside and that you haven't paid you phone bill in three months. Indifference is nothing; not caring; it's not missing not caring. It's willing to throw away years of memories to let go of things that are too painful to want anymore. It's letting go. It sucks, and I hate it too. (Can you hate indifference, or does that denote hatred and not indifference?)

I know this much; I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like a rag that has been dragged across the proverbial kitchen floor. I hate that no one else can actually get all this but me. I hate that so much of my time is being dedicated to these thoughts that I feel completely out of control over. I hate feeling lost.

New mantra??? "Be the change you wish to see." Why? Cause I am fresh out of new ideas right now......